Lovingly Setting and Holding Limits Archives - Stoller Parent Coaching

Limits Series: Ignoring for Now

Sheryl Stoller — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 00:28:28 +0000

Some limits are non-negotiable and some are negotiable. Then there are the limits that can be ignored for now. These are the ones that you can let go for the sake of creating connection, well-being, love, and joy in yourself and your children.

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Limits Series: Let Go

Sheryl Stoller — Sat, 01 Dec 2018 00:27:23 +0000

As you’re pondering which limits to let go, ask yourself: Which are the rules/limits that I have that, if I were to let them go, it would create: JOY, LOVE, WELL-BEING, CONNECTION ?

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Limits Series: Negotiable Limits

Sheryl Stoller — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 00:25:28 +0000

Some limits you set are negotiable. They are not directly impacting the safety of your child or others. These can be opportunities to be inviting your child into the limit setting process. They are for finding win-win situations and creating understanding that flows from you toward your child and from your child towards you.

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Limits Series: Nonnegotiable Limits

Sheryl Stoller — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 00:23:51 +0000

Your bucket “A” limits are so clear to you that you can say: “I love you too much to let you…” And you are so sure of the necessity for that “A” limit that you would use every resource to hold and ensure the boundary is not transgressed. These are things such as refusing to drive before your children have their seatbelts on. They are the limits you hold that are based on a deep love for yourself and your children and the need to keep them and you safe.

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Limits Series: A, B, and C

Sheryl Stoller — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 00:21:10 +0000

~Bucket “A” Limits are Nonnegotiable for Safety of Self & Others:
Your bucket “A” limits are so clear to you that you can say: “I love you too much to let you…” And you are so sure of the necessity for that “A” limit that you would use every resource to hold ensure the boundary is not transgressed.

~Bucket & Plan “B” Limits are Negotiable:
Some language that works: Although I’d love for you to _____ (get off the computer right now) I imagine you need transition time.

~Bucket “C” Limits are Ignored for the present:
You are letting go of the rule/limit and letting the child decide/say/do. One way to decide which rules to consider ignoring – the “C”s: Which are the rules/limits that you have that, if you were to let them go, you would create JOY | LOVE | WELL-BEING | CONNECTION ?

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Limits Series: A Secret to Setting Boundaries that Work

Sheryl Stoller — Tue, 20 Nov 2018 23:53:28 +0000

Think about the moments you are feeling connected with your child – in the easy moments, and also in the not so easy moments. Why are you feeling connected? Odds are that you’re able to have that connection because your energy is clean – your pure essence self is fully present, being and emitting pure clean energy. That is what sets the stage for the clean love-underpinned/infused interactions – whether they are moments dealing with getting somewhere, doing something, or just being with your child[ren]. Clean energy is not present when you are in the muck of a “to-do” in your mind, feeling the looming next obligation’s weight constricting your heart; or fear of the danger you see in the present moment in front of you or in fear of what it portends for the future; or maybe you’re in the midst of a creative idea or a specific memory. In these moments, your heart is elsewhere. When your energy is not clean, you are not present. You are not really there. Or, maybe more accurately, the Real Full True Essence You is not there. The you who is part of the relationship with your child is not there.
And your child knows it.
So do you.

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What To Do When the Do’s Don’t Get Done

Sheryl Stoller — Tue, 02 Oct 2018 00:38:45 +0000

What to do when the do’s don’t get done? “Prioritize based on love” is the short answer.

With each interaction, we are modeling and imparting to our children how to follow limits and rules out of love for ourselves, inside out so we can do outside what takes good care of ourselves inside – mind, body, and soul. This then extends to the care and consideration of others and of things.

And how the heck do we do that?

Lovingly Setting Limits is the theme for the remainder of this calendar year’s bimonthly class “Nurturing Consistency in Getting A Compassionate Hold of Yourself”, and posts on my Stoller Parent Coaching FB page.

In September, we addressed focusing on love as the criteria for all of our rules – love for our child and love for ourselves. The goal was and is seeing love as the reason for the Basket “A” rule(s) (usually just safety); and as the guide for creating space for love, joy, and connection in allowing us to let go, for now, of the Basket “C” to-do’s.

Having engaged in that love-approach to prioritization, we find ourselves ready, willing, and able to do the iterative work involved in lovingly and collaboratively problem solving about the to do’s, the limits and boundaries, that remain.

Working with those Bucket “B” issues in October, we are focusing on the process of:

Collaborative Problem Solving

This program was created by Dr. Ross Greene. He’s the author of “The Explosive Child” – which personally helped us tremendously, many other books, and a website with many resources you can access at www.livesinthebalance.org .

The program is designed to align our boundary setting tools with the priorities of those boundaries.

Priority Buckets A, B, and C, align with Approach Plans A, B, and C.

Bucket A’s are non-negotiable priorities using Plan A – absolute holding to the limit because our love for them does not allow any other option (for me seat-belts on, or the car did not move, even when we’d be late or miss a commitment), and even if we need to use outside resources to hold the limit (I called friend/acquaintance/taxi to pick up other child waiting for me).

Bucket C’s are priorities for which we use the Plan C of letting go for now, creating space for more joy and harmony in our lives; and

Bucket B’s, are everything else in between, which are available for the Plan B of Collaboratively Problem Solving.

I hope this introduction has resulted in peaking you interest in this process. It has been used and proven to vastly improve situations where normally ‘the do’s don’t get done’, even in the most volatile of circumstances, such as traumatized children and adults. This CPS perspective and approach is not just for trauma.

It is what can naturally occur during the advent of young adulthood with all children when development unfolds smoothly – ish .

It is needed earlier and more frequently to optimize the
behavioral extremes that are hallmarks for many unidentified and identified gifted and twice exceptional children.

Adult to adult, this works as well.

We all benefit from this approach.

I hope to see you on FB where I have been and will continue to be sharing about the process of lovingly engaging in the Collaborative Problem Solving process.

With love from my heart, soul, and mind to yours,
Sheryl

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