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Lovingly Setting and Holding Limits

What To Do When the Do’s Don’t Get Done

By October 1, 2018November 20th, 2018No Comments

What to do when the do’s don’t get done? “Prioritize based on love” is the short answer.

With each interaction, we are modeling and imparting to our children how to follow limits and rules out of love for ourselves, inside out so we can do outside what takes good care of ourselves inside – mind, body, and soul. This then extends to the care and consideration of others and of things.

And how the heck do we do that?

Lovingly Setting Limits is the theme for the remainder of this calendar year’s bimonthly class “Nurturing Consistency in Getting A Compassionate Hold of Yourself”, and posts on my Stoller Parent Coaching FB page.

In September, we addressed focusing on love as the criteria for all of our rules – love for our child and love for ourselves. The goal was and is seeing love as the reason for the Basket “A” rule(s) (usually just safety); and as the guide for creating space for love, joy, and connection in allowing us to let go, for now, of the Basket “C” to-do’s.

Having engaged in that love-approach to prioritization, we find ourselves ready, willing, and able to do the iterative work involved in lovingly and collaboratively problem solving about the to do’s, the limits and boundaries, that remain.

Working with those Bucket “B” issues in October, we are focusing on the process of:

Collaborative Problem Solving

This program was created by Dr. Ross Greene. He’s the author of “The Explosive Child” – which personally helped us tremendously, many other books, and a website with many resources you can access at .

The program is designed to align our boundary setting tools with the priorities of those boundaries.

Priority Buckets A, B, and C, align with Approach Plans A, B, and C.

Bucket A’s are non-negotiable priorities using Plan A – absolute holding to the limit because our love for them does not allow any other option (for me seat-belts on, or the car did not move, even when we’d be late or miss a commitment), and even if we need to use outside resources to hold the limit (I called friend/acquaintance/taxi to pick up other child waiting for me).

Bucket C’s are priorities for which we use the Plan C of letting go for now, creating space for more joy and harmony in our lives; and

Bucket B’s, are everything else in between, which are available for the Plan B of Collaboratively Problem Solving.

I hope this introduction has resulted in peaking you interest in this process. It has been used and proven to vastly improve situations where normally ‘the do’s don’t get done’, even in the most volatile of circumstances, such as traumatized children and adults. This CPS perspective and approach is not just for trauma.

It is what can naturally occur during the advent of young adulthood with all children when development unfolds smoothly – ish  .

It is needed earlier and more frequently to optimize the
behavioral extremes that are hallmarks for many unidentified and identified gifted and twice exceptional children.

Adult to adult, this works as well.

We all benefit from this approach.

I hope to see you on FB where I have been and will continue to be sharing about the process of lovingly engaging in the Collaborative Problem Solving process.

With love from my heart, soul, and mind to yours,