Parenting is a remarkable journey—one often filled with warm hugs, silly jokes, and moments so profound they take our breath away. But it can also feel deeply challenging, especially for those of us raising neurodiverse children who have unique needs, sensitivities, and ways of being in the world. Love, in theory, might seem as natural as breathing. But in practice, especially when life is busy and support is limited, it can feel like a muscle we’re struggling to flex.
I want to talk about this openly because it’s an experience so many of us share. We love our children with every fiber of our being, and yet there are times we can’t feel that love in our bodies. We might know it cognitively—yes, of course, I love my child!—but tapping into that warm, expansive feeling of love can feel almost impossible in the midst of endless to-do lists and constant demands. If you’ve ever felt that sense of disconnection from the love you know is there, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s okay that it’s hard sometimes. In fact, it’s common.
The Weight of Expectations
We live in a world that places tremendous expectations on parents. We’re expected to manage work, household tasks, extracurricular activities, and social obligations—all while ensuring our children are thriving academically, socially, and emotionally. When you add neurodiversity into the mix—be it autism, ADHD, giftedness, anxiety, combinations of these, or other variations of thinking and feeling—the complexities skyrocket.
At times, these expectations can feel like a never-ending pressure cooker. Every moment can be consumed by a new challenge: sensory overload, intense emotions, difficulties with transitions, or simply the day-to-day tasks of feeding, clothing, and coordinating schedules for an entire family resulting in explosions or implosions. It’s in these overwhelming moments that love can feel distant. We know it’s there, but it’s buried under stress, worry, and exhaustion.
And that’s okay. Acknowledging that it’s hard to feel love when you’re overstretched is the first step to reconnecting with it. We’re only human, and humans need care, rest, and space to breathe in order to choose to tap into love.
Recommitting to Love, Moment by Moment
Here’s the thing about love: it just is. Love is an energy, a force that underpins the best parts of our human experience. However, keeping ourselves connected to that current of love requires deliberate effort—what I often call a practice. Much like going to the gym regularly to keep our muscles strong, we need consistent “workouts” that help us remain tapped into love’s sustaining power.
That’s because love can be easy when everyone’s rested and happy, but it’s much harder to sustain when you’re tired, your child is melting down, and the laundry is piling up. In those moments, recommitting to love becomes an intentional choice. Even if you can’t feel it fully, you can decide to keep it at the center of your actions. You can choose to fill yourself up with loving energy—like filling up a tank—so you can keep on giving to your child and yourself.
This is where gratitude can be a profound gateway. When we practice gratitude, we shift our attention to the pockets of beauty, joy, or relief we might otherwise overlook. Gratitude for a moment of quiet, a gentle breeze, a supportive friend, or that fleeting second when your child’s eyes light up can help you remember that love is always there. It’s just waiting for you to notice it.
Gratitude as a Portal to Love
One of the most beautiful things about gratitude is how it affects our physiology. When we pause to feel thankful—even for something small—our bodies and minds recalibrate. It’s like pressing a reset button on stress and negativity. In that moment of truly appreciating what we have, we create a space in which love can flourish.
Research has shown that gratitude can reduce stress hormones, lower blood pressure, and improve emotional regulation. For us parents, that can mean going from a frazzled, reactive state to one where we feel calmer and more patient—ready to see the love that’s always been there. It’s not magic, but it can feel magical in how effectively it opens us up to a loving perspective.
If you’re not used to pausing and noticing gratitude, start with a single breath. Right now, think of something—even the tiniest thing—you appreciate. Maybe your coffee was at the perfect temperature this morning, or your child offered a spontaneous hug. Let that sense of appreciation seep into your body. Breathe it in and allow it to spread from your lungs to your arms, your legs, your fingertips. This act of slowing down and feeling grateful can reorient your entire approach to parenting and life.
Modern Parenting Without a Village
It’s often said that parenting today is more isolating than in previous generations. We once lived in communities where children roamed outdoors, and everyone pitched in. Children gravitated to whoever had the energy and love to give in that moment, allowing parents a natural break. The love reservoir in a communal setting was much larger because it was shared. But now, many of us live in single-family homes, separated from extended family, friends, and neighbors who might otherwise step in to help.
This can leave parents feeling “sucked dry,” as I often hear from clients. You want to shower your child with love, but you’re operating on an almost empty tank. Your spouse or partner may also be exhausted, and you may not have other relatives around to help. This modern setup can make it incredibly difficult to hold onto the feeling of love, even when you know you love your child deeply.
So, what do we do? We create micro-communities. We reach out to coaches, online support groups, local meetups—any venue where we can access the love and support of others. We have to remember that love isn’t transactional; it isn’t something we can only receive if we earn it. It simply is. But to experience it fully, we often need other people who can reflect it back to us when we’re tired, frustrated, or discouraged.
Reasons It Feels So Difficult
- Isolation: We lack the communal support that naturally replenishes love.
- High Demands: Endless responsibilities sap our energy and focus.
- Emotional Overload: Neurodiverse children can have intense emotional needs, which can be exhausting.
- Societal Pressures: Messages that we must do it “all” and do it “perfectly” can lead to chronic stress.
- Unmet Personal Needs: Parents often ignore their own emotional, physical, and social needs, leaving them depleted.
Each of these factors can lead us to momentarily lose sight of love or at least stop feeling it the way we want to. That’s why it’s crucial to develop strategies to replenish ourselves and re-access the love that’s always at our core.
The Power of Having Others Who Can Access Love
We cannot do this alone. We might try, but eventually, we realize we need support—people who can hold the door open when it feels stuck for us. When your door is closed and you can’t feel the love you know exists, you need someone who can stand on the other side and say, “I see you. The love is still here.”
It might be a parent coach who offers fresh perspectives, a friend who drops off a meal, or an online community where people truly understand the highs and lows of parenting neurodiverse children. These relationships provide a mirror for us, reminding us of the love we’ve temporarily misplaced under the clutter of stress and obligations.
It’s important to resist the urge to isolate yourself further when you’re feeling drained. Instead, lean into community—whatever that looks like for you. Join a local parenting group, schedule a regular check-in with a friend, or sign up for a coaching session. Even a five-minute call with someone who can reflect your love back to you can work wonders.
Making Love Accessible Through Practice
If we want to create the love and peace we yearn for in our homes, we have to cultivate it within ourselves first. We do this by establishing practices that give us ongoing access to our reservoir of love. Some possibilities:
- Mindful Breathing: Start each morning with three deep breaths, focusing on inhaling love and exhaling stress.
- Gratitude Journaling: Write down three things you’re grateful for every day. Over time, you’ll train your brain to look for moments of appreciation.
- Micro-Meditations: Steal quiet seconds throughout the day to pause, close your eyes, and envision something that brings you joy or love. Or leave your eyes open, choose your focus point, and notice its characteristics.
- Loving-Kindness Practice: Silently repeat phrases of love and well-wishes for yourself, your child, and others.
- Physical Reminders: Keep a small object (like a smooth stone) in your pocket or on your desk, and whenever you see or touch it, take a moment to tap into love.
These practices might sound simple—and they are—but simplicity is key when life is busy and demanding. The goal is to integrate love into the small, ordinary moments of everyday life, rather than waiting for a big revelation or major shift.
Communicating Through Love
One of the most powerful ways to sustain love is through our communication—both with our children and with ourselves. You might say to your child, “I see you, and I love you,” even if they’re in the middle of a meltdown. Or you might say it to yourself in the mirror on a day you feel particularly discouraged. These words can serve as a gentle reminder that love is a choice we can make again and again.
And communication isn’t always verbal. Sometimes it’s a warm touch on the shoulder, a smile, or just being present and listening without judgment. At other times, it’s envisioning love pouring out of you into the other person. These small gestures can speak volumes, especially for a neurodiverse child who may process language differently.
Embracing the Present Moment Together
It’s also vital to remember that love flourishes in the present moment. When we treat every moment as if it must live up to a certain standard, we risk feeling like anything less than perfection is a disaster. By shifting our perspective to simply notice what is happening—our child is laughing, focusing, daydreaming, or screaming, throwing, crying—we see the moment as it is, without piling on extra judgment or resistance to reality.
This mindset can also help us in those fleeting seconds when we actually do feel love rushing through us. Let it seep into your body. Let it wash away the worries of the day, if only for an instant. Those instants add up, building a foundation of resilience that keeps us going through the harder times.
Preventing Future Disconnection
Finally, let’s talk about preventing disconnection—not just from our kids, but from ourselves. Life will always present challenges, but we can build safety nets:
- Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time each day, week, or month to assess how you’re feeling. Are you depleted? If so, what small change can you make right now to replenish?
- Ask for Help: Whether it’s from a partner, a friend, or a professional, reach out before you’re completely drained.
- Embrace Imperfection: Recognize that no family is perfect. There will be tears, fights, and frustrations. But love can coexist with all of these if we continually return to it.
- Share the Load: Involve your children (when appropriate) in household tasks, or lean on extended family and community resources. You don’t have to do it all alone. In fact, you can’t do it alone for long without paying too steep a price.
Love Is Always Available
Above all, remember that love is never truly gone; it just gets buried. It might feel inaccessible for a while, but with mindfulness, gratitude, community, and deliberate practice, we can uncover it again. Each time we do, we build a deeper reservoir to draw from the next time life ramps up and we find ourselves running on empty.
Whether you’re a parent who feels overwhelmed, a professional supporting neurodiverse families, or someone simply curious about cultivating love in the face of challenges, my hope is that you walk away from this knowing you’re not alone. Love is hard to sustain—it’s normal to feel that way—but it’s also the most powerful force for transformation and healing in our lives.
A Final Thought
Let’s make it a practice to say, “I see you, and I love you,” to ourselves and to those around us. Even when we’re not in the same room or on the same page, love connects us. By choosing it moment by moment—especially in the messy, chaotic, beautiful reality of parenting neurodiverse children—we create a ripple effect that touches everyone in our lives.
We can do this, together. Let’s refuel and remind each other of the love that simply is, waiting for us to tap into it, again and again.
******************
About Sheryl Stoller
Sheryl Stoller is a Family-Wellbeing™ Coach and PCI Certified Parent Coach®. For over fifteen years she has been supporting parents of neurodiverse and deeply feeling children to transform their family’s suffering into thriving growth and connection. As a neurodivergent, highly sensitive parent of three multi-exceptional young adults, Sheryl brings both personal perspective and professional expertise to her work. She is the founder of Stoller Parent Coaching (2009) and serves as a Parent Coach for TiLT-Parenting Differently Wired Club (2021–present).
Sheryl partners with parents and educators to create supportive, peaceful environments where children, adults, and their relationships flourish. Through her integrated approach, she equips adults to recognize and address the needs and lagging skills behind behaviors, model essential life skills, and provide a safe space for emotional expression and growth. Her work has profoundly impacted countless families and educators seeking to build stronger, more connected relationships.
Sheryl’s mission is to help families prevent unnecessary struggles and maximize joy and fulfillment in daily life and long term. Learn more about how she can support you at www.stollerparentcoaching.org.
